random thoughts that absolutely no one cares but ill write it here becuase i have nothing to do

researching school loans because the government doesn’t think im worthy of receiving financial aid because apparantly I make enough money to pay for school and that my parents are supposed to help me pay.

ok let me pull a grand of benjamins out of my asshole.

or i could go pick the freshly grown in dollar bills from my tree in the backyard.

fuck you america, the american dream is to slave away while you age and pay bills, and set money aside you can die.

life is dandy.

I want a time machine to take me back to 2008 when things weren’t so complicated and I would have made so many different choices than I did oh i hate life right now

I want to have goals and most importantly stick to them. It just seems like lately I don’t give a fuck about anything. Everything has become routine. Wake up, don’t forget to feed myself, then work, then all of sudden pig out of food because I didn’t eat correctly earlier, get home shower and sleep. Only to do it all over again the next day. I forgot what it feels like to have drive or ambition or anything that makes me feel like I’m accomplishing anything with my life except barely getting by paying bills. I want to feel useful again.

saving up money totally sucks when there is lots of cute things to buy and all the spring colors to wear and all the neat shoes to put on your feet ohh le sigh the life of the poor 

:,(

Never have felt more stuck in the same shit as now, i feel like living a good life was not meant for me. i literallt hate myself at times because I became everything I never wanted to be….

money….you win again.

I fucking hate money. WHY? WHY? WHY? If you are not in my hands, I basically am no one! AND HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS COUNTRY WANT ME TO GET AHEAD AND MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF WHEN I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD EDUCATION? Oh, theres grants you say? Fuck you, fuck you America because I barely make enough money to pay my bill and you STILL want me to pull two thousand dollars out of my ass a semester….?! OH, you mean ask my parents to pay my education because I rely on them just like the rest of the Americans. NO! I haven’t relied on my parents for the last six years for anything financially, and most recently I’ve even lived in my own apartment for two years, so not even housing. My parents have their own debts to pay and I’m not selfish to give them mine. OH YOU MEAN I TAKE OUT OUTRAGES LOANS TO PAY FOR SCHOOL?! DING DING! Then when I finish school I can’t even find a job to pay back these loans?! Fuck you America! Fuck You and your system that I am enslaved to and cannot even start school tomorrow because I don’t have money for it. Fuck life for once again putting my career on hold and fuck life for being at a stupid job, kissing ass and pretending to be nice while you eat and you leave me shitty tips. Why can’t I just fucking join the military already. Fuck. Absolutely. Everything. In. My. Fucking. Life.

dyeing my hair becuase my roots are shit. I hate my job. I wish I could lose 30lbs in a snap of my fingers and join the army ASAP im tired of this place. La la la h8 lyf

I’m at a point in life where I’ve realized what is important and what is not. This conclusion also includes people. I don’t talk to over half of the people I was once friends with anymore, and quite honestly, this realization has made me sad. I have finally grasped the concept of “people come and go”. I don’t really care for people that don’t reach out to me when I at the least made the effort to keep any communication alive between us. I will remember you well but good riddance, may your life be successful and that you remember me the same with great memories as I have for you. The end. No hard feelings. It’s life. Now, there are a great handful of people that the loss of a relationship (any form of it whether it be friend of love intrest) that I have completely lost due to my behalf. I admit I do not do well with keeping in contact. I become so involved into the mess that is my life that I often forget to involve others be apart of me. But, in certain circumstances, I’ve let people leave (or rather push) out of my life because they’ve brought on negativity (and Lord knows I have plenty of my own), or simply just bad choices that I do not coincide with. After all, I am important to my own self, and I do have to take care of myself and the choices I make and who I decide to surround myself with. So instead of being upset I no longer have So-and-so in my life, I will look at it with a new perspective, they came, they saw, they conquered. They came to my life, saw what it was like, and conquered my heart if at least for a moment, a month, or so on, taught me something and moved on to another person(and no this is not about ex’s cuz a friend is someone who knows your heart). Anyways rambling thoughts are rambling….

I wish I had somebody in my life that actually cares and I wish that I actually cared to have someone in my life that wants to be a friend.

Sometimes it gets lonely and sometimes I want someone to talk to, and I have no one to go to becuase I’m literally too anti-social to maintain a relationship with someone I push everyone away and this is all my own fault.

I just want a new brain, that functions in friendly mode and not automatically hates everything.

:’(

eeeeeeeeeeeeek!

An army recruiter is coming to my house tomorrow about enlisting. I’m incredibly stoked for the new path I may now encounter but terribly scared at the same time. The thought of boot camp sends me crawling into nightmares. I don’t know if I can take that kind of pressure and mold my body into something I am not used to at all. It’s going to be the most difficult task I will have to face up until now in this era of my life. Getting up before the sun is even out to workout? That sounds like something that would never ever be on my to-do list. I feel it’s a great decision filled with many new opportunities and an abundance of benefits. I feel as if I am going to burst into a million pieces….

19 days until the year is over…

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ALL I WANT FOR X-MAS IS A FRIEND THAT LIKES BRAND NEW AS MUCH AS I DO

but those don’t exist in my real life.

waaaaaaaa someone rescue me.

i’m a troubled teen 

I have recently become obsessed with eyebrows

And people with beautiful eyebrows. Im am the weirdest person I know.

There are 45 days until 2012…

Forty-five. Nine times five! That’s six weeks and five days. My only resolution last year, was to not have a resolution. But, secretly like every year it was to lose weight. Which I did. I lost a lot of weight due to being very ill and was in bed for four days with nothing to eat leaving me very weak. I lost a lot of weight and when I was healthy again, I began working out. It was awesome, but then moving and having a new very stressful job, caused me to gain the pounds back. I was working from six in the morning until six in the evening with children under five years old. It was completely draining all my strength. I began eating very unhealthy to calm hunger, and consequently made it a very bad habit, causing of course to regain what I lost, plus some.
              My other secret resolution was to be an overall happy person. It’s just my nature to be kept to myself. I’m quiet and my face is in permanent “bitch face”. I am a happier person than I have ever been. In this year I learned a lot of myself and putting myself in the right path. It was one giant learning year. I can honestly look back at the entire year and be completely content for every decision I made this year.
              For the following year my resolution will not be to lose weight. It will be, to be healthier which should lead to lose weight. I need and want to start taking care of my body and health. It should be a priority. After all it’s the only body I’ll ever have.
                 Lastly, I wish to travel more. I’d call this last year a bit of success as I left the country to go to the Bahamas. I traveled Florida a lot as well. I know it’s early to talk about the new year, but it will fly by, forty-five days will zoom by fast!

Life.

I never have really appreciated everything that I have in life.

I’m so happy im getting my new apartment next week, this will make it one full year i’ve been living independently without financial help from anyone except me,myself, and I. i feel so responsible and im proud of myself. 

i get to go on vacation for three days to orlando with my boy for our one year anniver. in two weeks stoked for that and i still cant believe ive managed to be in a relationship this long.

my little apartment will be pretty much empty cuz i have no furniture but slowly i will make it cute and going to Ikea will be awesome

also my family is the best ever in the whole entire world and i owe my entire life to my mother whom, i adore so much.

and last, stoked to start school becuase i changed my major to IT so hopefully i can get paid to be on the internet all day sounds like fun ha

honestly love life despite the ups and downs it may have sometimes